Cell Phones

Cell-phones are the Devil.

25 years of this social experiment is long enough. Please, whoever you have been, gather up all the data. It is now time to go to your dorm-room and crunch the numbers. Oh, by the way, once you have your dissertation ready, simply hand it in at the dean’s office and take one of the blank “PHDs-to-go”, fill it in and then do the following;

1. Please inform all the idiots that think they have nine arms to stop multi-tasking in their automobiles.
2. Take away all the mishandled phones from kids. Children don’t need them.
3. Tell the Koreans and Finns to stop building these things with goofy, loud music as the “Ring-tone of the hour”
4. Design a program that enforces the learning of at least one of the world’s official languages before being allowed to use the text function.

OK… Guess which side of the debate I’m on. I do realize that these “things” are just that, “things”. The same way that a pair of shoes, or an umbrella, or a Ford F-150 diesel is: simply a “thing”. And that being a “thing” makes it nigh impossible to control as to who may purchase and/or use. There are too many corporations that realize the money making potential with these “things”, creating new improved things every day. I don’t have a problem with that. The problem is a regulatory one.

I know. In our present world of liberal, P-C-ness (Politically Correct ) it is every breathing person’s right to do anything they want as long as they acknowledge that whatever David Suzuki or Al Gore says is right. This includes being able to purchase a cell-phone and immediately start pissing me off with it.

Morgan’s Caveat: I, myself do own a cell-phone. I have had for years. Maybe even decades. BUT I NEVER USE IT WHILE WALKING, DRIVING, OR IN A FRIKKEN RESTAURANT!!

The problem with cell-phones is not the equipment, but the operator. We regulate the use of many things; Automobiles, Beer, Cigarettes, Care-cards, Bus passes, homeless shelters and the like. Why is it that there has been no regulation for the use of cell-phones?

Can’t there be a simple 10-minute IQ test that gives you a license? This license could eventually be used for other things as well (let’s explore this at another time). Once you have your license, you may then buy a cell-phone… with the appropriate government added cell-phone manual for BC.

Here might be some of the rules that might be applied;

1. No cell-phone may be used by anyone while operating any moving vehicle: Cars, Trucks, Bicycles, wheelchairs or dogsleds. This includes On-star in most high-end GM vehicles.
2. A cell-phone may not be used while walking unless there is a free and clear distance of no less than five meters between the user (of the cell-phone) and the next person.
3. Children under the age of 13 are not permitted to own, use, touch or see any cell-phone. This shall include equipment known as PDAs, Blackberrys, iPODs and the like that have any two-way communication device installed. The latest “Texty-Toni, Two-way Ultra-Pink Wrist-watch” from Hasbro is also included in this list.
4. The use of cell-phones inside any public gathering place, i.e. Restaurant, Lounge, Library or Bank Line-up is strictly prohibited. This includes incoming calls.
5. All cell-phones shall be tested with the user of said device AT THE TIME OF PURCHASE to ensure that the user understands how to immediately silence said cell-phone. Further to this, it shall be considered an offense if any user’s cell-phone disturbs any person through fault of the user not being able to, or refusing to silence said annoying cell-phone.
6. Using a cell-phone for “Text-messaging” shall not negate any of the aforementioned rules, however shall compound the offense by 2. Further to this, any Medical Doctor having a patient complaining of any of the symptoms of “Text-Thumb” shall immediately report this to the authorities.
7. Any person caught using “TEXTing” language, “U” for “You”, “ROFL” for “Rolling on the Floor Laughing” or other things like “JCYAFN”, shall be taken to one of the many reform schools to relearn one of the official languages.

Now I’m sure that I can think up more rules, but put quite simply, it should be common sense! Which is the same as anything. Before the days of testing and licensing drivers –Yes there was a time when you never needed a license! People used common sense! Maybe we should apply the same rules that we have for smoking? First, lets stop “Cell-ing” in Banks and Libraries. Then restaurants can have a no-“Cell-ing” section, eventually becoming “Cell-ing”-free. Then Bars. And finally Cars.

Let’s all think back… not too far… there was a time when we humans survived without Cell-phones. We lived without needing to talk inane nonsense 6 hours a day. We used to have a diverse vocabulary, using words like exquisite, morose, stoic and conundrum. We used to keep our eyes, ears and minds open to those things around us that would hinder our progress. We used to be able to think of others AS we passed them. The use of these “things” is surely replacing our need for trueness of life.

I would like to dedicate this article to two of my best friends, for different reasons, Brian and Chuck. 
To Brian, who was the first person that I knew to “delete” his land-line and go completely cell – applause! (I know he doesn’t offend with his Moto-razr.)
To Chuck, who after decades of abuse (mostly with good-humour and awe), who has NEVER OWNED a Cell-phone, I would like to stand and say: Your resolution has stood you in good stead! May you NEVER find the want to have one of these evil devices! <…looks down at his own Samsung A950 and sneers loudly!>

I hope that I haven’t offended anyone who sees the absolute necessity of using their Cell-phone every hour… NOT! Mayhaps you will think long and hard before you start texting Aunt Bertha “I’m Here!” while turning left in front of oncoming traffic without signaling. For those of you determined to do this, when you do finally kill something, I hope it’s just you and your family, not someone else’s.